Not Even On The Inside
by Arwhale
Summary: It's true. Sometimes a tear'll slip out… it's bound to happen, sometimes… but for the most part, I cry on the inside. But right now, as I watch my friends weeping in a huddle together... I'm not crying. Not even on the inside.


It's true. Sometimes a tear'll slip out… it's bound to happen, sometimes… but for the most part, I cry on the inside.

Pinkie knows it. Girl knows a heck of a lot about me, really. Never did figure out for sure if we were related, but she doesn't have to convince me that there's a connection. It's what's making her give me a free pass right now, and why she doesn't just expect me to join in on the big, blubberin' sympathy hug.

But despite all that she knows, all that she's figured out, there's one thing she doesn't know about me. One thing she doesn't see as I'm standing here at the end of the bed, watching my friends cry in huddled ball together.

It's that, right now… I'm not crying. Not even on the inside.

I know that I'm only admitting it to myself, but I still feel bad. And I'm only giving myself a little bit of credit when I say that I [i]did[/i] feel something at first; a little "tug at the heartstrings," or whatever. It wasn't like I'd never seen Rainbow Dash cry before, but definitely never like this. Never seen the girl so broken up. It took me by surprise… heck, I think it took everypony by surprise.

And it's not like I shouldn't know how it feels. I'd be lying if I didn't say that I cried on that day, too. Maybe even harder. Cuz you see, back then, I didn't cry on the inside. Cuz back then, I'd never needed to learn how.

And it's clear to me, watching Rainbow Dash writhe around on the bed with tears streaming outta her like water from a wall spigot, that she's never had to learn, either. I can't fault her for that… heck, I should be happy for her. I should be happy that she's never had to learn. I should be.

But I'm not. I'm angry. And I'm ashamed of myself for it.

"But what about Applejack?" Twilight had asked. Pinkie Pie had grabbed her cheeks in both hooves and looked her in the eye.

"Applejack cries on the inside, Twilight!" she'd answered.

I'd been quick to affirm it, quick to put on the best somber expression I could. Quick to clench my teeth and bottle everything up inside.

"It's true," I'd said. And it wasn't really a lie, either; I [i]do[/i] cry on the inside. Just not right now.

It's like what I already said before: he'll be back in a few months, and then you'll see him again. After all, it's just hibernation. It is hard to say goodbye, but really, you're just saying "see you later." Not "goodbye." It's a mite different.

"[i]Months!?[/i]" Rainbow Dash had howled. She was crying even louder than before. I still remember the look of disappointment Twilight had shot me when nopony else was looking. As if I'd said the wrong thing, or perhaps been a little too honest for my own good.

But what the hay else was I supposed to say? Tank [i]was[/i] coming back. Rainbow Dash [i]would[/i] see him again. What else was I supposed to say? I know that honesty can hurt, sometimes, but what's so painful about a few months?

I wanted to say it all out loud. And if the room hadn't been so tense, I would've. To Twilight, to Rainbow Dash, and to everypony. But instead, I held my hat as tightly as I held my tongue, watching my friends as they wept together.

My hoof squeezes the hat's rim tighter. The felt wrinkles in my grip, and my jaw clenches as the crying amplifies.

"You poor thing," Fluttershy had said before wrapping her forelegs around Rainbow. Rarity and Pinkie had been quick to join in, too. With all of the commotion, nopony hears my teeth scrape together.

You poor thing, indeed. After all, it's so sad that you'll get to see him again. So sad that you'll just have to wait a few months before he'll wake back up. So sad that you'll have to lose [i]so much.[/i] So sad that you're losing your [i]pet[/i] when you [i]could[/i] be losing your… your…

…

…

I…

I… I know you can't hear me, Rainbow Dash. I know that you, or anypony else, ain't even looking at me right now, but… I'm sorry. I'm wrong, Rainbow. I'm wrong about everything.

I want to tell you to "get over it." That you losing your pet turtle… err, [i]tortoise[/i] for a few months ain't a big deal. And in a way, I'd be right. But to tell the truth?

I ain't over it, either. Well, maybe I am in the sense that I don't think about it as much, but… it still hurts. I can be my stubborn self and deny it all I want, but I wouldn't have thought all of those horrible things if it weren't true.

And as I'm standing here at the end of the bed, hat held loosely in my hoof with the brim dragging over the cloud floor, a thought pops into my head.

When I left my family to work at Dodge Junction after that whole rodeo incident, I sent a letter back to Ponyville. I told 'em I'd be back, and I meant it. I told them, "see you later," too.

But when I stepped off that train, and set hoof onto Ponyville station… they welcomed me home with tears in their eyes, smiles on their faces, and hooves opened wide all the same. Apple Bloom, Granny Smith, Big Macintosh… and even [i]my[/i] pet, Winona. It had only been a "see you later" then, too.

And I guess that's how it'll feel for you and Tank, when Spring is finally here. Sure, he's gonna wake up, but that still don't mean saying "see you later" doesn't hurt, anyway.

Even if "goodbye" still hurts more.

I know your goodbye isn't the same as mine was. After all, not many ponies have ever had goodbyes like mine. And that's alright.

I'm happy for you. I know you're sad right now, and that the others are sad, too… but I'm happy. I'm happy that Tank will wake up. I'm happy you'll get to see him again.

I'm happy that, for you, Spring is just around the corner.


End file.
